I decline to give this feeling a name; because if I do it’ll be the end of the game; and you’d have won, without knowing you did.
I tell myself I cannot feel this way; not right now, not today; so when, then?
I have always been so scared; but not more so now when you’re there; and you don’t even know.
Why tease me unknowingly?; why appear in the most vulnerable of times?; why be there when I need you?; why make me fall even harder for you?
I cannot fall in love with you; at least not now.
I cannot think of you; because there are other things I have to think about.
You should not parade yourself before me; and smile that way — it’ll break me.
You should not place yourself where I can see you; because I’d only want to hold you.
Someday, I’ll find the right time to tell you; when all of this is over; and both of us are free.
Someday when I tell you; I ask only one thing from you; do not fall in love with me too; because then I’d never let you go.
Clinging to a hope that won’t come true
That has always been the story when I’m with you
Looking for signs that may or may not be there
Hoping that somehow we’re going somewhere
But that isn’t what it is, isn’t it?
It’s just me wanting that this is finally it
And failing miserably
Every time the day ends.
For how can you see me as more than what we already are?
I don’t even think you have thought that far
I should have listened to what they were saying
Instead I chose to ignore all the warnings
So I’ll leave emptier than I ever was
A perfect compensation, worthy and just
For believing in fairy tales when I’m already old
For wanting your love which is more than I can hold.
Tell me what do you want?
Cause everyday I’m standing, staring at blanks
You hold me up and throw me down
Over and over again somehow
You make me feel like I’m in heaven
Yet most the time it feels too silent
what is it that you truly feel for me?
Over and over I’m running in circles
Falling and lying, crawled as I stumbled
This path I’m taking is a bit fumbled
Because darling you are nowhere to be found
I cry at night but you don’t hear
When you need someone I’m always near
But I can’t let you go though I want to do it
I’m falling deep so help me get through it
Help me get through it somehow
What do you want right now?
Every time I see you I stop and listen
to every beat that my heart is taking
like music that slows down to your rhythm
I fall so deep in you
Take me back to the time you were not with me
I feel like I want to break free
and yet my heart clings too much to you
What can I do?
What do you want me to do?
Should I move on and just let go?
I cry at night I doubt you want to hear
Still I want to be near
I’d make you feel the love that you need
Even if in the end you leave
Because darling I know only one thing
I’m falling deep for you somehow
And I can’t let you go for now.
Thunder clasps, it’s drawing near
Closer as I snuggle near the fire that just appeared before me
It is ominous I know,
like the Tower that gets destroyed
or Death that comes to change
There is something sweet in the air although I know it’s poison
I can’t stop taking it in
Like I always have been.
Hearts break from a distance and I can stop it
by breaking mine instead
What do I do then?
It is only a blur inside my head
I drank a truth potion, I almost told you what you shouldn’t know
What good call, it’s finally time to go.
Come morning I see that fire once more
Like a moth I get drawn to it and burned
I must conceal it all
It is a dangerous creation, I dread its existence
I fear what it’s doing and what I’m becoming
One thought, one memory
I cannot let it consume me
So farewell O, fire that kept me warm for a while
Goodbye almost lover that wore a fake smile
Sayonara, adios I’ll say this over and over again
Because that is the only way that this foolish mind can comprehend.
The night parade has started,
they are many in number
I am just one and alone
I’m sure they’ll put me to slumber
They are 100, 1000 demons
they always come knocking at my door
They rely on the strength of many
I rely only on the gravity I know since before
Pretty soon they will overwhelm me
because isn’t that just logical?
What can a lone wolf do
When faced with a foe so infernal?
But I know their hearts are empty
And their minds obsolete
For they follow blindly another’s fear
They are nothing but shepherd and sheep
The night parade will tempt me
they will try but fail
So they will attempt to kill me
They can do so but to no avail.
For they may slaughter my flesh
And leave me rotting in the dust
But my words will live on despite me
And theirs will slowly ash and rust.
For their words are a thing of the past
and their followers die eventually
While those who hear me are young but aware
Of the words I shout so clearly
Then they will relentlessly wonder
How can one outdo the many
It is quite simple really, if you think of it
I am just someone born too early.
Oh strong heart bound to one
How can you be so weak just like that?
Strong belief of being alone and surviving
How then can you crumble at just one sighting?
Smart heart on which logic governs
How can you be a fool at such an instance?
Cold heart that seeks only its own peace
How can you give up, let another take entrance?
Oh funny heart that denies all things
How can you stutter and stop, right now at least?
Hollow heart, hard and empty like your eyes are
Is this entity in front of you really that hard to resist?
Give me the answer: Why are you so pathetic at this moment?
I can’t even dare call you mine and I sure won’t comment
Closed my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my senses all
Still no matter what or how or why, this heart had decided to fall.
How can I tell if this is becoming real?
How can I say that this is exactly how I feel?
When can you tell me the right time to start or stop?
When will I know the exact moment to go on or give up?
I look into your eyes and I cannot tell
In terms of hiding your feelings, you really do it well
You are a weird one because with you I am not so sure
Is it because of your blank gaze or your mysterious allure?
I find myself both longing and running away from you
Which is kind of confusing and unprecedented too
When I see you I don’t know what I’m supposed to think
And when you are near I feel like I’m standing on a brink
Can I just ask you or would that be too forward of me?
Will you tell me then yourself or should I just wait and see?
For now I’ll just wonder what these feelings really are
As I look at you standing there, here from afar
Hoping this wonder will someday finally be gone
and then I’ll know precisely whether or not you’re the one.
We know one another by name alone
What do I really know about you?
Do you even know who I am too?
We call each other by nicknames and yet
Most about each other we don’t even have the right to forget
because we don’t know that much.
We are a team, a good one even
But aside from that what else is there?
Do you think we ought to know, isn’t that only fair?
We laugh, talk and move as if we’ve known the other for so long
but it isn’t anywhere like that, what seems so is really wrong
because we’re just strangers.
So how can I feel this for someone such as you?
Maybe this really isn’t real, and it’s pretentious too
Maybe I’d just go with things as they appear for now
Hoping that one day and one time, it’ll work out somehow.
“DEAR CERTAIN SOMEONE”
Dear certain someone
wherever you are
Are you near where I am now
or are you still dilly-dallying from afar?
Hey certain someone
whose name I might still don’t know
Are you readying yourself to meet me
or are you running scared too?
Yo, certain someone
don’t you think the time is nigh?
For that one special moment
that we finally get to say, “Hi!”
I am waiting, patiently waiting for that time
When your path finally turns to a new direction
and crosses into mine.
*Thank you to Kat Cabanos for lending me her precious fountain pen with Midnight Black and Oxblood inks which inspired me to write these poems in one go. Someday I’ll own one too after I get my first paycheck SOON. Haha. 🙂
What’s this feeling that’s creeping into me tonight?
A doubt, a rush, a sudden and absurd feeling of delight
Am I mistaken to say that this is me falling
or am I just hallucinating?
I do recognize that tiny voice shouting inside my head
because I’ve felt that before while I was crying on my bed
Has my heart become cold since then?
That I no longer believe whether the feeling is real or just pretend
I guess I’m just tired of being the one who’s always first to fall
or for being the only one to ever fall at all
So I’ll just wait until you feel the same way as I do
until I decide to finally fall in love with you.
You are such a mystery
It makes me wonder then whether you’ll bring either joy or agony
Will you be the light that gives life to an empty soul
Or will you be the darkness that only brings death to all?
I can never comprehend that gallant smile
Is that an everlasting one or just a reflection of a time worthwhile?
Kindness, your weapon, is a dangerous tool to misuse
I might take it another way or become prone to its abuse
But heck, sometimes you’re not kind at all
Whenever you suddenly bring up that insurmountable wall
I know I should not ask nor even dare think about it
But what else should I feel when you’re already pushing me towards it?
Is this just another of those phases that will fade away in time
Or is this the time when I can finally say I have what’s meant to be mine
Either way I’d never know until that day of certainty comes at last
The moment I’ll know whether you’re just a present, my future, or the past.
Dainty, she’s afraid
She wants to say something to someone
But she fears they’d misunderstand
Hurry, she’s closer to the brink now
She could just jump in and fall hard
Or wait until the wind pushes her in
She chose to wait,
Because she’s afraid.
Look, her heart beats faster now
As it begins to come alive again
If she had magic she’d rip it out
So she won’t feel it seep into her like a parasite
How can she run away?, she thinks
But her mind’s in disarray
How can she beg for a chance
When she won’t even take it?
Her eyes, her lips, her throat begins to shake
All trembling differently
She sighs, none of this is real
Imaginations that run wild in her head
Are just in her head.
So she blinks her eyes open
She’s still afraid of what tomorrow will bring
Will she finally fall down or will she let herself fall?
She awakens and reality seems to stink a little less.
Whatever goes she reminds herself,
This isn’t real. It isn’t real.