Most of the time I often wonder: “What is the meaning of my life?” or “What is my purpose?”. I know that I am not alone in asking the same kinds of questions. Humans, people in general, often feel empty inside and they try to supplement that feeling of emptiness by giving meaning to their existence. This my friends is what is called an existential crisis, when people try hard to find their live’s purpose and the meaning behind certain things. There is nothing wrong with it. It is wonderful that a person will try their best to give meaning to their life and when they eventually find it they become content and happy. However, this conclusion rarely happens for the many of us. Speaking personally from experience I have tried to ascertain the meaning of my life ever since I became aware of the possibilities of the future — when I was about 9 or 10 years old. Every time someone asks me: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I stop and think what exactly it is that I want to be when I become an adult. I often blurt out the first profession that comes to mind. “Lawyer!”, I’d jubilantly say but somehow deep inside I begun to question why do I want to become a lawyer anyway?
It wasn’t until High School (13-17 years old) that I seriously begun questioning the meaning of my life and looking for the answer as to why I was even brought up in this world. What is it that I’m supposed to do or be in the future? That was what was in my mind all the time. At one point in my life I felt really depressed and empty because somehow I could not see the meaning of my life. At that time I thought that without a meaning, my life was just useless. I was afraid that when I die I’d just be another name in the records of birth and death which will eventually be forgotten in time. I wanted to be important to the world. I wanted my life to mean something and as I grew up that meaning became more blurred as the time passed by. I grew relentless and at one point I gave up. I saw myself as a floating dust, useless and eventually constantly fading. I reached the peak of “emo-ness” and became hateful towards the world all because I knew that my life was meaningless.
However, now that I have significant life experience to be able to look back and draw on the things that I went through in the past I can see that I was wrong all along. This realization first hit me when I read about an article about purpose (no, this is not religious). There the author analyzed the existential crisis of people and how he deciphered that constantly trying to give your life meaning and purpose and constantly trying to find it in other places (like a group, a club, an organization, the church or sect, etc.) was detrimental to a person’s actual life. He meant to say that if you constantly search outside for a meaning to your life then you’ll probably never find it. What he suggests however is to implement your own meaning into your life. Meaning, you choose what your life means. This statement actually shocked me. For someone who has spent about two decades searching for my life’s purpose and now knowing that all those time spent was wasted on an inefficient search for purpose made me regret all the things I have done in the past. Now, if I could turn back time I would no longer search for the meaning of my life but try to give my life its own meaning.
This is another way of saying that destiny and fate are bullshit ideals. It is you who dictates your fate and destiny. In the past I tried so hard to conform to what I thought my destiny was and didn’t even give a second thought to what I really wanted. I never took control of the reigns of fate. I thought it was all predestined for me and the fact that somethings do not work out means that they weren’t meant to be. So there were times in my life that when I fail, I give up because I thought, “Well, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” I didn’t even try hard enough.
As of now, I do not care whether or not there is a meaning in my life or whatever the purpose of my life is, if ever there really is one. I no longer care if my life is meaningless as long as I know that I am doing my best to give it my own meaning. Right now, I mean to be a really successful woman (career-wise) and become an inspiration to many other women out there. I aim to be a truly strong and independent woman and wherever my choices may take me I will always make sure that no matter how many failures I will encounter I will always try and try again and again to achieve my goals. I am now imposing my meaning to my meaningless life and for that, I am genuinely happy and content with it.