At a Crossroad

Nearing 30’s, I’m old and yet I still haven’t figured out my life yet. Then I come by this quote: “Life isn’t about figuring out who you are, it’s about living to be who you want to be.” 
It was beautiful. It struck a chord inside me. Not to sound cheesy but it did resonate with the depths of my soul. All these years I’ve been wasting time trying to answer insignificant questions, questions that no one in this world has the exact answers like “What is my purpose in life?”, “Why am I here?”, “Who am I meant to be?”, “Am I doing the right thing and living my life right?”, etc. Many facets in our society offers different answers to these questions. Religion tells us we were created by God to be the sheperds of this world and we are meant ot be saved from sin in the end, go to heaven and such. Philosophy tells us that we are born with reason to be able to discover the truth behind everything in this world and to accumulate the knowledge we need to survive. Whatever you choose to believe somehow all those answers still seem lacking on their own. So, in the end you become lonely and unfulfilled because in the end, you never really know.

However, if we shift the paradigm a little and take even a 180 degree turn. Instead of asking what we are here for, why don’t we start asking ourselves what do want to do, what do we want to be, where do we want to go? I have read countless articles that feature success stories from the most successful people in the world. The common denominator in these stories was that all of them thought more about their goals, what they wanted to do and to be, instead of thinking of what they were meant to do in life. Most of them end up going where they really wanted to be because all their lives they have only thought about that, getting to that place someday and that one goal drove them to be where they are today. I was wrong all along.

It is hard to break a habit, and 26 years of cultivating the same mindset will be something that is really hard to change. I am now at a crossroad, thinking about how I should start changing the way I see my life and my goals. What is it that I really want to do? I haven’t thought about it for many years now that I somehow forgot. As a child, perhaps I did think aboutit, fantasize about it and dreamed about it but I forgot it all now. Sad. I cannot turn back time, I wish I could. I can only look to the future as I grapple at the present with all my might. At this point I might still struggle to change the way I have been thinking for my entire life but I definitely will try. I have been unfulfilled and unsatisfied most of the time, it’s time for me to feel content and happy because I deserve to and it all starts with a change of my current mindset. I wish that when I re-read this post in the future that I have accomplished that task and I feel more content than I am right now and perhaps for the rest of my life. I hope, I wish, I will. Starting now. Starting with me.

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Ode to the Heart

Oh strong heart bound to one
How can you be so weak just like that?
Strong belief of being alone and surviving
How then can you crumble at just one sighting?
Smart heart on which logic governs
How can you be a fool at such an instance?
Cold heart that seeks only its own peace
How can you give up, let another take entrance?
Oh funny heart that denies all things
How can you stutter and stop, right now at least?
Hollow heart, hard and empty like your eyes are
Is this entity in front of you really that hard to resist?
Give me the answer: Why are you so pathetic at this moment?
I can’t even dare call you mine and I sure won’t comment
Closed my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my senses all
Still no matter what or how or why, this heart had decided to fall.

Twenty-Six

I’m old — and today I just got older. Despite that I am still thinking about the same things and ultimately the same people as I had 5 years ago. I am seriously waiting for that time when I can finally say that “that’s so 10 years ago.” So I guess I’d have to wait for five years more?

Ever since I became “independent”, i.e. mostly living away from home and alone, I have rarely celebrated my birthday. Mainly because: 1) I don’t have money to buy food and other stuff for a birthday celebration, 2) I don’t get gifts anyway and most of the time people ask me to treat them ’cause it’s my Birthday (where’s the logic in that?), and 3) I don’t have anyone to celebrate with. Sure, there are a few greetings here and there and sometimes I can go out and have fun, party a little and then crash! Ultimately, a Birthday is just another ordinary day aside from the fact that you are constantly reminded that you were born on this day and forced to be thankful that you were. For the most part, I am pretty grateful that I was born especially in this era when technology and innovations have just started to boom. But boy, do I wish I was also born 200 years from now — Space travel? Awesome!

Anyway, I am just posting this short note just to commemorate the day that my loving mother pushed me out of her (not really, she had a C-section) and our family finally got its fourth and youngest (aside from my nephew) member. In truth I really don’t feel festive at all. I feel the exact opposite. I feel so lazy and drained of energy. Maybe its because I have an upcoming deadline TOMORROW! And I’m only halfway through. Crap! Well, I’ll just have to wing it. In all respects I have accomplished more than enough for my paper to be called decent in academic standards. And why does our adviser have such an unreasonable deadline anyway?! I have a lot to say about his policies. It’s actually very much counter-productive especially for a lazy bum like me.

In truth, I was just waiting for 3:05AM, the exact time that I was born on this day before I finally go to bed and just doze off. Now, it’s almost time so before I sleep I would just like to end this post by putting out some good vibes out there.

I love you Eugene Lee Yang! Yes, you can be a douche most of the time and your outlook in life is plain arrogant and selfish sometimes but all in all you are such a wonderful person because you can manage to be so authentic to yourself despite knowing that others may not accept you and may in the end hate you the most. I guess that’s part of your charm, that bad boy thing. If that were me I’d be the b*tch. Well, fine I don’t mind being the HBIC! *This Queen don’t need a king. Cue in: Sit Still, Look Pretty by Daya* I still love you. I’m sure that when we get to meet we’ll probably rip each other’s throats out but that’s okay. I like a challenge and I like a good competition. Lately these days, those two things are so lacking in my life that it just gets boring most of the time. I guess I need a frenemy, someone worthy. Maybe you could be it? IDK. I do hope I get to meet you and I hope we don’t kill each other on the first few minutes of our meeting. Haha. Just kidding.

 

Note: Eugene Lee Yang is a Producer from BuzzFeed, a popular Youtube channel mainly based in Los Angeles, USA. He is a member of a four-man group popularized by BuzzFeed called the Try Guys. Just go check him/them out! You’ll love them/him. 😀 Happy Birthday to me! ❤