Freud on Love: Pain

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”
Sigmund Freud

“According to Freud, and I’m paraphrasing, instinct of love toward an object demands a mastery to obtain it, and if a person feels they can’t control the object or feel threatened by it, they act negatively toward it. Like an eighth-grade boy punching a girl.
– Dr. Cameron, House, M.D.

Freud was definitely right about one thing. The instinct of love makes people do stupid things. (Note: Only Romantic Love, other types of love are excluded in this article) Most people long for it but are actually afraid of it. That’s where all the bitterness and the #hugot come in. People love romantic novels and fantasize about love because they know it’s fiction but when the real thing comes, they run away in an instant. Love is not the grandiose thing that most people see in TV dramas or read in books. It is ugly, painful, stressful and confusing. It does things to a person: emotionally, psychologically and physically. In a word, it’s nasty but why do people claim it to be the one thing that matters most in this world? One reason, because it is the thing that differentiates us from other living beings, the ability to love. Now, every scientist and philosopher would kill me on this because most believe that what makes us the top species in the Animal Kingdom is not love but reason, in a way they are correct. Love is also part of reason. Reason, the ability to formulate judgment, make rational thoughts and decisions, the ability not just to think but also make ideas out of those thoughts. Reason in itself is complex and so is love. Love, the ability to think of another person’s well being, the ability to self-sacrifice and the ability to not only care but to care deeply for another person. It is something that is even beyond reason. It’s because reason helps humanity survive, love on the other hand cancels all those survival instincts and lets people throw away selfish motives. Basically, love goes against reason. It is stupid, irrational, dangerous but it’s not wrong. It’s just plain idiotic. So highly rational people tend to go against it. Fear it in such a way that he/she acts negatively toward it. Making the object of the love a point of hatred, anger and disgust to cancel out the love that is already developing because if not, it will slowly kill the person who is loving. At least, that’s what many who uphold the Freudian concept of love and hate think — a person like me.

I have less than average when it comes to experiences of love. The definition itself baffles me. It is a concept that I think is over-dramatized by a ratings-hungry media, especially romantic love. The very notion itself, I find unimportant. Although I admit I cannot cancel love entirely from this world because then the world would turn to chaos — but romantic love itself, not in the equation. Other forms of love can equally give this world the peace it needs. I actually think that romantic love is what causes most of the problem in the first place — correction, the “irrational need” of people to feel romantic love is the problem. Romantic love in itself is a beautiful concept. One, that if true, can lead to genuine happiness, for a while until death do you part. But then it is not a need, unlike what most people think. Love, is important, but romantic love isn’t. Yes, I write about romantic love but I am not a hypocrite when it comes to this belief because in many of my stories, love is not portrayed as the “love conquers all” bullshit that most people are spewing out of their bestselling Wattpad novels cleverly fooling the next generation, brainwashing them to the “irrational need” of romance while cashing in stacks of money in return. My stories deal with reality — LOVE DOESN’T CONQUER ALL.

In real life, when you love someone it doesn’t always mean balloons, confetti, or fireworks. Most of the time it’s loneliness, confusion, rejection and my personal favorite: depression. Almost to a point that you can no longer function as a rational human being. There are other factors that play in other than the fact that you love each other. Those stories where the first generation doesn’t get a shot at their love and the second generation gets a try and ends up well is not always real. Life is unfair. It won’t give you the retribution you (or your next generation) deserves just because it screwed you over one time — it doesn’t owe you that. Life is UNFAIR. Romantic love is not all rainbows and butterflies, even if you do find one. One reason why I write love stories — because that’s the only thing that I can control. Real life, I can’t since it’s messy and unpredictable. Writers often are control freaks. The fact that they write fiction is because they can’t deal with the reality that is staring them right in the face. To compensate, they write stories, hoping they were real. An addiction that gets their minds of the real things that are happening in their lives, our lives — loneliness, bitterness and rejection.

So yes, I am bitter towards love. I may act all content with where I am right now but I do long for that romantic touch once in a while. The only difference is I have somehow accepted the fact that maybe romantic love isn’t just for me — it may never be, given my angst towards it, my fear. Acceptance has brought me to the realization that romantic love is just a “want” created by the constant brainwashing that I received ever since I was a child (Disney, the main culprit). It was never a “need” because in all honesty, I won’t die if I never have it in my life. Yes, I’ll be a bit lonely but there are a gazillion of other different ways to compensate for that. Romantic love is not the only thing that can make me feel good about myself, make me feel secure or confident. That song by Alicia Keys : “If I Ain’t Got You” is probably the most stupid song I ever heard. If it’s melody wasn’t that catchy I’d probably never sing it in my lifetime. Problem is, it’s extremely catchy and easy to sing. No one truly needs nothing else but love (or the object of their love in this case) in their life. Most marriages (happy ones, even) are destroyed by ambition, unfulfilled dreams and desires, unexpressed wants. Everyone will always want something for themselves (things that make them better people and heighten their individuality like a career, a job, an ambition or a wild dream), love is not the answer to everything. Ironic that a past love interest once made a violin cover of that song. No wonder he didn’t like me.

To anyone who would probably read this, I take only a few most probably none other than myself would make that time, I would definitely sound bitter. Then blame my past experience(s) in love into that undying bitterness. Say I’m not over, that I still love the person(s), or I’m just angry at them for not returning the favor. In all honesty, I don’t even know myself. I might be one of those things or even all of them at once. I don’t know for sure. All I know is that: one, I will never be angry at God (or any other omnipotent all-powerful being out there) if ever I never get that dose of romantic love in my lifetime. I have loved and that’s good enough for me. It is His/Her call anyway if He/She gives me one. Two, I know now that I have to first channel love for myself before I expect it from others because if fate has it set that no one else would love me for who I am then I’d be doing myself a huge favor if I just focus on loving myself. Lastly, I will no longer ask for it like I would for food, good health or divine protection. Not having it would not put me in danger but a day without food, an unhealthy system and susceptibility to harm or evil will. If ever fate favors and romantic love will make it into my calendar one day then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. In the meantime, I’ll be happily bitter about romantic love and continue to LIVE (not just be alive) even without it.

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