The Me a Year Ago

Many may not know but today (Good Friday) was a really important day for me. Today spelled the difference between the me of the past and the me I want to be. Usually I don’t let the day end without doing something I have always done for almost 7 years now. The ritual I have been doing in the hopes that things will finally change and minds or hearts would finally be opened with a new chance. Every time I end up, well, disappointed. I have always been that hopeful —- hopefully stupid, until today. Honestly it was a struggle to refrain from doing that same thing again but I was vigilant in keeping my decision: “Never again.” The Me a year ago was too hopeful, too stuck in the past, too positive — not that those are bad things to be but unfortunately I was hopeful and positive about something that I should have given up on years ago. I was blind, isn’t that how this is described?

The struggle is over. Black Saturday has come, the day of mourning for Catholics like me but for me today (Black Saturday) is my day of renewal. Yes, never again. It’s not that I found another one to think about or I found a replacement. I realized I didn’t need replacements, I just needed me. I was enough. I still hope that that eventually comes and when it comes it will be worth all the wait but for now, I am content. I no longer want to want something just because everyone else has it or everyone wants me to have it. Today I have cleared up my mind and am now focused on what I should really stand for — myself. Come Sunday (Easter) along with Christ’s resurrection will be my rebirth to the new me. The Me a year ago is slowly fading away. She’s not totally lost, she’s still in here somewhere. Maybe she’ll come out if the circumstances take a sudden turn but I hope that when that time comes I’d be strong enough to keep her in her cage. I do not hate who I was before but I did not like her too that’s why I wanted to change. I however do not regret having her in my life since she makes me see things even clearer now. My decisions on important things in life have been better thanks to her heartbreaks and received rejections. I think she is strong to have endured all that and I thank her for doing so because if not I may not be the sane (most of the time) person I am now. But she really needed to go. She did not want to let go of that hope because the feelings were just too strong to ignore. I, on the other hand, no longer wanted to hold on so I had to leave her behind. I had to contain her and I did.

I can still feel her emotions surging into me sometimes. It’s scary at times especially if I think of the possibility that I get to see a familiar face which will instantly awaken her. But I do know that in time she’d understand and eventually accept that what I am doing is for her own good. If  she finally decides to leave and never come back only time will tell. She might linger or she might not. I am not sure. All I know is that the Me a year ago has now surrendered and has decided not to fight me anymore. She still exists, somewhere but she’s no longer struggling just silently waiting for the tide to turn. I might not give her a chance though. Inside I feel her hurting at her surrender but I know better, I should, as if 10 years wasn’t enough time to learn. So sleep Me from a year ago and dream better dreams this time. I’m taking the lead now.

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