The Me a Year Ago

Many may not know but today (Good Friday) was a really important day for me. Today spelled the difference between the me of the past and the me I want to be. Usually I don’t let the day end without doing something I have always done for almost 7 years now. The ritual I have been doing in the hopes that things will finally change and minds or hearts would finally be opened with a new chance. Every time I end up, well, disappointed. I have always been that hopeful —- hopefully stupid, until today. Honestly it was a struggle to refrain from doing that same thing again but I was vigilant in keeping my decision: “Never again.” The Me a year ago was too hopeful, too stuck in the past, too positive — not that those are bad things to be but unfortunately I was hopeful and positive about something that I should have given up on years ago. I was blind, isn’t that how this is described?

The struggle is over. Black Saturday has come, the day of mourning for Catholics like me but for me today (Black Saturday) is my day of renewal. Yes, never again. It’s not that I found another one to think about or I found a replacement. I realized I didn’t need replacements, I just needed me. I was enough. I still hope that that eventually comes and when it comes it will be worth all the wait but for now, I am content. I no longer want to want something just because everyone else has it or everyone wants me to have it. Today I have cleared up my mind and am now focused on what I should really stand for — myself. Come Sunday (Easter) along with Christ’s resurrection will be my rebirth to the new me. The Me a year ago is slowly fading away. She’s not totally lost, she’s still in here somewhere. Maybe she’ll come out if the circumstances take a sudden turn but I hope that when that time comes I’d be strong enough to keep her in her cage. I do not hate who I was before but I did not like her too that’s why I wanted to change. I however do not regret having her in my life since she makes me see things even clearer now. My decisions on important things in life have been better thanks to her heartbreaks and received rejections. I think she is strong to have endured all that and I thank her for doing so because if not I may not be the sane (most of the time) person I am now. But she really needed to go. She did not want to let go of that hope because the feelings were just too strong to ignore. I, on the other hand, no longer wanted to hold on so I had to leave her behind. I had to contain her and I did.

I can still feel her emotions surging into me sometimes. It’s scary at times especially if I think of the possibility that I get to see a familiar face which will instantly awaken her. But I do know that in time she’d understand and eventually accept that what I am doing is for her own good. If  she finally decides to leave and never come back only time will tell. She might linger or she might not. I am not sure. All I know is that the Me a year ago has now surrendered and has decided not to fight me anymore. She still exists, somewhere but she’s no longer struggling just silently waiting for the tide to turn. I might not give her a chance though. Inside I feel her hurting at her surrender but I know better, I should, as if 10 years wasn’t enough time to learn. So sleep Me from a year ago and dream better dreams this time. I’m taking the lead now.

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Holiday Meditation

There seems to be a lot of things that I need to think about during this weeklong holiday break.

First, matters regarding my present. Am I really doing things that I need to do or am I really happy with my present situation now? What am I doing? Why do I sometimes feel too bored? Why do I fall short of my daily expectations and goals?
Second, matters regarding my future. What do I really want to achieve? What future do I want to have? What are my goals? What life am I aiming for?
Third, matters of the heart. What are my current feelings? Do I need them or are they dispensable? Do I really have the luxury to fall in love right now with everything that has happened to me? Why am I still not getting what I want?
And fourth, personal matters. What do I need to change? What do I need to improve on? What aspects of my personality do I need to correct? What are my strengths and weaknesses? Who am I really?

These are the things that I will probably reflect on during the lenten season especially now that I am in a transition phase of my life. I really need to get that one day to just quiet myself and go deep into my inner thoughts. Just one day to listen to the inner corners of my mind and see myself as I never did before. An undisturbed quiet which I hope the holiday will allow me to have. I wish I can use the break to better myself. No, not wish, I will use this break to better myself.

I’m glad to have this holiday break so that I can better assess my goals and myself. I believe that I will never get to the next level that I am aiming for if I don’t know myself that well. Hence, thw necessity of this meditation. Hopefully by the end of the week, I’d be a changed person for the better. 🙂

A Poetry Triad

“UNCERTAIN”

How can I tell if this is becoming real?
How can I say that this is exactly how I feel?
When can you tell me the right time to start or stop?
When will I know the exact moment to go on or give up?
I look into your eyes and I cannot tell
In terms of hiding your feelings, you really do it well
You are a weird one because with you I am not so sure
Is it because of your blank gaze or your mysterious allure?
I find myself both longing and running away from you
Which is kind of confusing and unprecedented too
When I see you I don’t know what I’m supposed to think
And when you are near I feel like I’m standing on a brink
Can I just ask you or would that be too forward of me?
Will you tell me then yourself or should I just wait and see?
For now I’ll just wonder what these feelings really are
As I look at you standing there, here from afar
Hoping this wonder will someday finally be gone
and then I’ll know precisely whether or not you’re the one.

“WE”

We know one another by name alone
What do I really know about you?
Do you even know who I am too?

We call each other by nicknames and yet
Most about each other we don’t even have the right to forget
because we don’t know that much.

We are a team, a good one even
But aside from that what else is there?
Do you think we ought to know, isn’t that only fair?

We laugh, talk and move as if we’ve known the other for so long
but it isn’t anywhere like that, what seems so is really wrong
because we’re just strangers.

So how can I feel this for someone such as you?
Maybe this really isn’t real, and it’s pretentious too
Maybe I’d just go with things as they appear for now
Hoping that one day and one time, it’ll work out somehow.

“DEAR CERTAIN SOMEONE”

Dear certain someone
wherever you are
Are you near where I am now
or are you still dilly-dallying from afar?
Hey certain someone
whose name I might still don’t know
Are you readying yourself to meet me
or are you running scared too?
Yo, certain someone
don’t you think the time is nigh?
For that one special moment
that we finally get to say, “Hi!”
I am waiting, patiently waiting for that time
When your path finally turns to a new direction
and crosses into mine.

*Thank you to Kat Cabanos for lending me her precious fountain pen with Midnight Black and Oxblood inks which inspired me to write these poems in one go. Someday I’ll own one too after I get my first paycheck SOON. Haha. 🙂

The End of the Phenomenon

A few months ago I wrote about the start of the phenomenon called AlDub. Now, I’m writing about it’s near end, which I do hope would come soon. (I’m sure a lot of AlDub fans will murder me for this but just hear me out, the end I’m referring to is not the death of AlDub but actually a “hopeful” new beginning for both of them.)

When I say I hope AlDub will end soon I meant that I hope that EB will not prolong KS any further. I am an AlDub fan. You can browse my profile and SNS posts to verify but then even I no longer think that KS should still be aired until today. I have utmost respect to the writers of KS but I know even brilliant writers get into a deadlock especially with KS with a 30-minute episode for 6 days a week spanning almost 8 months now, you’d really drain out your creativity with this. I really think that the staff should end it before the decline gets even worse. I have been blunt about many things in my life and despite being a fan I will be the first to admit, KS has lost its touch of magic. I know every AlDub fan sees, feels and recognizes the decline as well, most just refuse to admit it. Pride, I think? I’d rather be honest. It’s not that I am no longer a fan, I still am. I just wish that both Alden and Maine level up their game fields. I think it’s time for them to evolve and get exposed to other things besides the four walls of KS and even EB. I think ending KS now, while they are still at the peak of their fame, would be the best call. They’ve been drained too much by both the capitalists that make use of their fame and the audience (of all classes) that expect too much of them. They need a break, or if not, they need a new lease. So I believe it’s finally time to end the phenomenon that is AlDub.

As fans, let’s not imprison Maine and Alden in the dream that is KS. If you love something, the best and most sacrificial thing to do would be to let them go and let them fly to a new horizon where they can discover new things and acquire new lessons. Let’s not become too addicted and controlling so as to hope that KS will last forever so that our dream of the Yaya Dub-Alden moment (July 16, 2015) also lasts forever. Despite what KS has taught me, I still believe that nothing is permanent in this world. Everything changes. People and situations change. Albeit, they need to change so that things will not remain stagnant and boring in the end. You wouldn’t want them to become stagnant, would you? You’d want them to improve. If so, let them go. Let KS go. Let AlDub go and MaiChard begin. 🙂

Until…

What’s this feeling that’s creeping into me tonight?
A doubt, a rush, a sudden and absurd feeling of delight
Am I mistaken to say that this is me falling
or am I just hallucinating?
I do recognize that tiny voice shouting inside my head
because I’ve felt that before while I was crying on my bed
Has my heart become cold since then?
That I no longer believe whether the feeling is real or just pretend
I guess I’m just tired of being the one who’s always first to fall
or for being the only one to ever fall at all
So I’ll just wait until you feel the same way as I do
until I decide to finally fall in love with you.

YOU

You are such a mystery
It makes me wonder then whether you’ll bring either joy or agony
Will you be the light that gives life to an empty soul
Or will you be the darkness that only brings death to all?
I can never comprehend that gallant smile
Is that an everlasting one or just a reflection of a time worthwhile?
Kindness, your weapon, is a dangerous tool to misuse
I might take it another way or become prone to its abuse
But heck, sometimes you’re not kind at all
Whenever you suddenly bring up that insurmountable wall
I know I should not ask nor even dare think about it
But what else should I feel when you’re already pushing me towards it?
Is this just another of those phases that will fade away in time
Or is this the time when I can finally say I have what’s meant to be mine
Either way I’d never know until that day of certainty comes at last
The moment I’ll know whether you’re just a present, my future, or the past.

She

Dainty, she’s afraid
She wants to say something to someone
But she fears they’d misunderstand
Hurry, she’s closer to the brink now
She could just jump in and fall hard
Or wait until the wind pushes her in
She chose to wait,
Because she’s afraid.
Look, her heart beats faster now
As it begins to come alive again
If she had magic she’d rip it out
So she won’t feel it seep into her like a parasite
How can she run away?, she thinks
But her mind’s in disarray
How can she beg for a chance
When she won’t even take it?
Her eyes, her lips, her throat begins to shake
All trembling differently
She sighs, none of this is real
Imaginations that run wild in her head
Are just in her head.
So she blinks her eyes open
She’s still afraid of what tomorrow will bring
Will she finally fall down or will she let herself fall?
She awakens and reality seems to stink a little less.
Whatever goes she reminds herself,
This isn’t real. It isn’t real.

Shadow

Looks like I was meant to be a shadow.

I say this given the current state of my disposition right now. I’ve never really thought of myself as brilliant, at least since I entered UP, and I still haven’t had the pleasure to refute that thought nor do my  “accomplishments” say otherwise. So far I’ve been an entity lurking only in the shadows. In undergrad I was a member of several organizations, volunteered in the College’s official VolCorp, part of my Batch’s governing body and eventually my block’s representative in our Course Org but despite all these I was merely a shadow with no major accomplishments whatsoever. None that I can say were exemplary even to a layman’s standard. Now, I’m still the same.

I still continue to be active. Most of the time only to gather new experiences, meet new people, and know the inner workings of the community I haphazardly entered into. Nevertheless I remained a shadow. There but never there. Not that I mind it most of the time. What frustrates me more is my own lack of initiative to even try to achieve greater heights. Most due to laziness but some due to fear – the fear of the unknown. For every opportunity I shun away most are because I feel that it is tiresome to do so and that I have better use of my time without such responsibilities (like sleeping) although deep inside I really want to try bigger things. However, the greed in me just won’t quiet down and it’s longing for that choleric side of me to get out and do it’s thing so I eventually join with the flow, like a dead fish floating with the current. I accept menial jobs, those that will not make use of a lot of my time and those with the least responsibilities because it’s tiresome to have more.

Despite the fact that I adore at the same time envy those at the top with all of their responsibilities and sense of leadership, I still decline because “with great power comes great responsibility” (do I still need to mention where this is from?). Now in a College I once dreamed of entering but at present hope of exiting ASAP, I find myself envying those who try to become relevant. I do want the same but every day I am reminded that I am but a shadow. Like Kuroko, if I don’t make a peep I remain invisible. Indistinguishable. My presence forgettable. Maybe it’s a talent I acquired after High School given my previous goal of becoming an ordinary person away from the limelight. I do miss it though, the limelight, but then mine’s probably good only until HS ends. Since then I haven’t found myself worthy of the limelight I once had, not anymore. So I continue to linger in the shadows, doing things that don’t really merit a mention, at least not for me because what I do does not even compare to what the other members of the team actually do. When people point out the good work I’ve done I feel flattered at first. The flattery inside turned to guilt because of the fact that I haven’t really done anything that was a significant contribution. Thoughts such as “I didn’t really do anything out of the extraordinary” and things like that bewilder my mind. I know they’re being kind and appreciative and maybe they do think I did something great but for me, I knew I could have done more. I could have made better things, made the event smoother, etc. Maybe I’m just myself’s best critic but still, I know my efforts most of the time aren’t enough. I end up unsatisfied of my work because I lack the initiative to try to do more and I belatedly realize that I can do more when there is no more time for such things. In the end, I feel lonely.

I once read that when you praise and acknowledge the little things that people do they tend to become better at their duties because they know that every little thing counts and is appreciated. I use this sometimes mainly because I rarely ask for favors from people. What I can do, I would. What I can’t, I learn by my own. That’s how my family taught me. Whenever a person does things for me, either through kindness or as a favor, I feel guilty (depending on the favor). I shouldn’t have bothered that person because he/she has better things to do or maybe he/she is already tired, is sick, or just doesn’t want to do it and I forced him/her to do so. So I practice the art of appreciating even the most minor of details. However, this strategy doesn’t work for me, not all the time anyway. On times that I know I haven’t given my absolute best, appreciating my work would only backfire. I feel guilty at the same time pressured to do more, which I should feel because I didn’t do my best. So during such times I regress. On another note if at times I know and feel that I did my absolute best and nobody even bothers to say a simple “Thanks!”, I feel underappreciated and I become angry and resentful about the fact that I already worked my butt off and yet nobody even bothers. Yes, I am complicated like that. But I try to hide such things because in both situations, my reactions are neither polite, appropriate nor civil. They’re just akin to a child’s tantrum which I am experiencing right now.

I know I could have done more than what I accomplished (if ever they are accomplishments) today and I know it is my fault for not even trying and realizing the need too late in time. I also blame myself for wearing those sandals which only added to my exhaustion and my unsettled mood. I knew I should have worn comfortable shoes. But despite this feeling I never learn. I will still continue to be a shadow and just contribute minor things to a bigger task at hand. I don’t know why, I just feel like there’s no point in trying to return to the limelight when I’ve already lost all the right and status to do so with no hopes of getting them back anytime soon. I will do my part in this machine called responsibility. Ticking and working as the machine owners want me to. Doing things that I should be doing because I have decided to accept this responsibility without anyone forcing me to, just like a hinge doing it’s part of opening a door. Maybe that’s why I thrive when placed backstage (referring to theater experience).

Eventually I’ll graduate from this University. I doubt anyone would remember me except those whom I made friends with, some may even forget my name in the long run. Others who won’t might eventually forget how to spell it correctly. I doubt any of my professors will remember my name or my face. Just like many before me I’d just be a passing entity who once graced the halls of Malcolm. It hurts a little but then it would be best to accept it especially when I consciously make it happen on my own. I do think I have the aptitude, enough to get me through life’s difficulties. I also think I have talents, enough to impress one or maybe two people. I also consider myself as lovable, albeit not romantically. For all the insecurities I have, I do feel that I am still blessed with talents that many only dream about and yet even those aren’t enough to get me out of the dark and into the light. Despite that I have realized one main use for the talents I am blessed with – backdoor support. Just like a how a shadow organization gets the work done but never gets known or recognized, that’s what I have developed over the years. I have indeed perfected the art of stealth and maybe a bit of inception. The ultimate backstage person. So to make use of this, despite the lack of a concrete legacy, I will remain the shadow and help people accomplish bigger goals for a better future. Maybe then, even if it is only me who will get to realize it, I get to contribute a little towards making the world a better place.

Note:
Current mode: Hormonal, hungry, tired and pained. The thoughts that come to me at such stage are mostly temporary and my views change almost all the time – that’s what people call MOODY (thanks to me being born in February).  I am not justifying my post just because I am hungry right now (or moody). I am just stating facts. (Now that sounded defensive. Nah, IDC anymore. I’m hungry!) I am highly inconsistent, except for a very few deeply enshrined principles. My thoughts and opinions of people, things and situation change – a lot. Even some of my beliefs and impressions are entitled to a second opinion. Maybe that’s why I welcome critiques wholeheartedly because I don’t see things in the same way all the time. So if ever you find any contradiction in this article to my previous write-ups then it’s quite normal. Even my novels don’t come from a single genre (because I am inconsistent like that). I am not a good example of a principled person. I am neither a good reference for opinions and views on several matters. Such change over time. No one should quote me or hold me bound to what I have given an opinion of in the past. Aside from facts and concrete things, a lot in my life change. Case in point, I once dreamed to become a world famous lawyer now I don’t particularly care. I was once an activist on the extreme left side but now I have turned more to the social-democratic side. Judge me all you want, I will remain true to who I am. My opinions change because even the world changes. I refuse to remain bound to a tradition that eventually becomes meaningless in time. I am aware of the dangers of such inconsistency but I thrive in it. Bahala na kayo diyan. Peace out!