I once came to a whole new world *cue in: Aladdin and Jasmine* where I became so fascinated with the people living in that world. I really, honestly and desperately wanted to fit in and be like them. Although I wasn’t becoming that much of a social climber, there were parts of me (and my personality) that I hid just to fit in with the crowd. I wanted to be in with the group. I guess it was because I was all alone in a big new world, in a brand new city. I wanted to be… well, accepted. So I tried to fit in. What a wrong move. I should have just accepted from the start that there are worlds that I am not allowed to enter and there are people that I can never understand. I should’ve known that glamour and shine were not my style. I should’ve stayed true to who I am and did not try to be someone I could never bring myself to be. I lied to myself and this is the price that I paid for that mistake – I am no longer happy with who I have become.
Ever had that feeling that you just don’t belong with the crowd? That whatever they did, whatever they said, all seemed foreign to you? That even their very ideas make you wonder why you’re even hanging out with them? So you try to play it cool, be nice, kunyari alam mo ang mga sinasabi nila. Kunyari naiintindihan mo sila. Kunyari na-ggets mo ang ibig sabihin nila. Kunyari nasusundan mo ang mga kilos at galawan nila. Pero, hindi. At ngayon sawang-sawa ka na sa pakikipag-plastikan. It’s not their fault. They were just staying true to themselves. You. You were the one who decided to change. No, wait. I was the one who decided to change. It’s my fault. And I’m so done with this.
Maybe it’s a bit too late to show these guys who I really am. It would most likely create confusion and unrest. So I’ve decided to just walk away and hide. I no longer want to pretend but I don’t want to have everyone hate me. After all, I still need their cooperation to be able to survive in this world I don’t even know why I am still even here. I just want to stay apathetic. Cold and blank for the rest of the semester. I should have learned from back when I tried the same antic in College. Pretending, though minimal, never works. Should’ve learned that by now.
The US that I once envisioned will not come true. One, because I tried to be someone I am not. Two, because in the first place I never really belonged. And lastly, because deep inside I know that what I have right now is just a stepping stone. There is another place and another time. By then, I do not even need to pretend.