Us… No, wait.. You. Just You.

I once came to a whole new world *cue in: Aladdin and Jasmine* where I became so fascinated with the people living in that world. I really, honestly and desperately wanted to fit in and be like them. Although I wasn’t becoming that much of a social climber, there were parts of me (and my personality) that I hid just to fit in with the crowd. I wanted to be in with the group. I guess it was because I was all alone in a big new world, in a brand new city. I wanted to be… well, accepted. So I tried to fit in. What a wrong move. I should have just accepted from the start that there are worlds that I am not allowed to enter and there are people that I can never understand. I should’ve known that glamour and shine were not my style. I should’ve stayed true to who I am and did not try to be someone I could never bring myself to be. I lied to myself and this is the price that I paid for that mistake – I am no longer happy with who I have become.

Ever had that feeling that you just don’t belong with the crowd? That whatever they did, whatever they said, all seemed foreign to you? That even their very ideas make you wonder why you’re even hanging out with them? So you try to play it cool, be nice, kunyari alam mo ang mga sinasabi nila. Kunyari naiintindihan mo sila. Kunyari na-ggets mo ang ibig sabihin nila. Kunyari nasusundan mo ang mga kilos at galawan nila. Pero, hindi. At ngayon sawang-sawa ka na sa pakikipag-plastikan. It’s not their fault. They were just staying true to themselves. You. You were the one who decided to change. No, wait. I was the one who decided to change. It’s my fault. And I’m so done with this.

Maybe it’s a bit too late to show these guys who I really am. It would most likely create confusion and unrest. So I’ve decided to just walk away and hide. I no longer want to pretend but I don’t want to have everyone hate me. After all, I still need their cooperation to be able to survive in this world I don’t even know why I am still even here. I just want to stay apathetic. Cold and blank for the rest of the semester. I should have learned from back when I tried the same antic in College. Pretending, though minimal, never works. Should’ve learned that by now.

The US that I once envisioned will not come true. One, because I tried to be someone I am not. Two, because in the first place I never really belonged. And lastly, because deep inside I know that what I have right now is just a stepping stone. There is another place and another time. By then, I do not even need to pretend.

Advertisements

First Week Back in the City

Hello, hello, hello again World! Happy New Year to one and all. I am definitely back in the city of dreams – Manila and finally I am back to having WiFi at home which only means one thing – Hello again Online World! For this week I had all the time in the world to make a fresh start for the year ahead. I arrived on Monday this week and found our boarding house in a mess. Thankfully enrollment in my College does not start until Wednesday so I had time to clean. Seeing a once super messy room turn out organized and shiny after definitely made me feel accomplished.

I finally got the chance to go out and watch a movie. I finally got to see My Bebe Love starring my favorite love team – AlDub. As per the reviews I have been reading before I went to the cinemas to watch, I did not get my hopes up with regards to the story. I also knew the movie would be a giant commercial for all the brand sponsors that the movie has. So I did not bat an eye at the blatant advertisements that was incorporated in the script. I had high hopes though for the ‘kilig’ scenes of the couple but I got a bit disappointed. Yes, there were a lot of kilig scenes but most of them, if not all, were scenes that I already had a sneak peak to because of the many BTS pictures of the shoot that went viral during their taping days. I actually found only one scene between Alden and Maine which I personally did not have a picture of and that scene only lasted for a few seconds. I guess seeing those BTS pictures took the kilig out of the scenes shown in the movie. I also had high hopes for the ending but it was a scene that I have already seen during one of the KS episodes and just like those BTS photos, it took all of the kilig away. I still liked the movie though – it was a good way to de-stress. I also saw another movie, Haunted Mansion. I really wanted to watch either Buy Now, Die Later or Star Wars but the former was no longer showing and the latter had late showing schedules. I could not wait for 9pm just so I could watch a movie. It was scary outside. Haha. Actually, the real reason was because I did not want to spend several hundreds for a taxi to take me home. It would be hard to find a jeepney going to UP from SM North at 11pm.

As for our enrollment for this semester, unlike most of the UP undergrads our College did not need pre-rogs and stuff such as long lines just to get a slot. Most of the classes are distributed per block and the College even enlists our classes for us – convenient, right? In half a day, you’re already finished with enrollment. The problem lies only if you are an irregular student and you decide to take back subjects for that semester. You’d have to wait for the slots to be assigned on the day of the enrollment. But still, unlike the undergrads, our enrollment takes only about 2 days at most to finish plus we do not have to wake up at 2am just to fall in line to get subject slots. (Yes, this happens in Undergrad. Just read Overheard. You’d see.) That includes all the delays that one might experience during the enrollment process. That’s still relatively shorter than the average time period that you can get enrolled if you’re taking an undergraduate degree. You’d be lucky if you get to pay your tuition a day after your assigned enrollment date. If you’re able to pay on the same day as you started to enroll, then people would kill for your luck, except during your first year, first sem. (Just an expression. Not really happening, as far as I know.) So compared to others, I was lucky. I finished before 12 noon on Wednesday. I had all the time therefore to binge on TV series and movies.

I finished up to the latest episode of the Bones series this week. Talk about binge. I really love this series. It’s both comical and intelligent. The perfect collaboration of themes for people like me to remain hooked to the story. Even though I am such a fan, I hate how the writer ended their fall finale episode. They paralyzed Hodgins! That was after they blew him and Aubrey up with a pipe bomb made by a bunch of kids. I’d be less resentful if Hodgins got paralyzed because of a bomb made by a mad-man like Pelant was but nope. Just two psycho kids who had irks with authority figures took his whole life and the future plans that he has with Angela away in an instant. I really hope Angela and Hodgins do not regret their decision to stay in the Jeffersonian instead of moving to Paris. Ugh, why writer! Why?

I also got the latest updates on the Mangas that I have been following recently namely, Shokugeki no Soma, Skip Beat and Assassination Classroom. Like always, each chapter is bitin! But that only makes me look forward to the next one’s release.

Basically, all I did for the week was, aside from enrollment, to re-live the perks of being in the city and having access to all the opportunities possible especially on the internet. I missed this for the past 3 weeks I have been away from this privilege. Tomorrow, it’s the start of the new semester. We already have an assignment even if we haven’t even met our teacher yet. Oh, what the heck! I got to finish that assignment last night anyway due to the abundance of the free time that I STILL have. After this week, say hello to less free times again. I can’t really say that I am excited to start the new semester but at least for now I can say that I am willing to give it a try. I’ve decided to just receive whatever life throws at me with a smile on my face. Good or bad, an experience is an experience and that is what makes you grow as a person. This is the last day of the semester break. I am determined to make the most out of it.

For our weekly sum-up, here’s my Sunday and the Week Recently recap of the week prior:

Best Read:
All The Places To Go…How Will You Know? by John Ortberg. I’m still two chapters in but it’s definitely an eye-opener. I hope I get the time to finish it by the end of the week before the real work comes in. Hopefully, this will help me on my quest to a more exciting and more fulfilling life ahead.

Best Written:
The last two chapters of my recent novel ‘Until Then’. Most of the characters are actually based on the KS of EB. You’d definitely notice it especially with the character names if you’re a fan. I decided to write the ending first because that part is clearer to me in structure. Also, it will provide me with the motive to finish this novel, finally. It would be a waste if I did not see this through, right? Seeing that I already spent so many hours writing the ending. I would not be able to post that if I don’t write the body. So, I guess it was a good decision to start with the ending first.

LSS of the Week:
Ako’y Mahalin by Maricris Garcia, the main theme of the Afternoon series Destiny Rose. Recently, I’ve become hooked with this series as the main protagonist, a transgender played by Ken Chan (Who is by the way, a straight guy and not at all gay in anyway <– hey! It rhymed.) is just too beautiful. Also, the song is very singable (if there’s such a word)I really love it.


Thought for the Week:
Close your eyes, take the leap.

Wished for the week to have been:
This week is more than what I could ask for. I won’t ask for it to be anything more or less.

OOTW (Outfit of the Week):
Shorts and shirts since I’m mostly at home. Pants and blouses only when I went out.

Loved:
The feeling that this year will hold a lot of new opportunities for me. Deep inside, I know for a fact that this year will be THE YEAR, at least for me.

Wanted to:
Write the second chapter of my novel. I was writing the end chapters and finished it yesterday so I want to start with the second chapter now. It’s still a working progress especially since it’s the first time that I am writing a full-Tagalog novel. It’s harder since my usual medium is English but I’m up for the challenge. Like I said, take that leap. It’s time that I get out of my comfort zone.

Needed to:
Set my priorities straight. I need to fully know what are the things in my life that I need to change for this year so that I can work on them one by one. I’m still sorting them out as of the moment.

Felt:
Alive. Especially after I finished the last two chapters of my novel. I always knew I loved to write but it was different this time. Maybe because I finally have a goal in mind. I’m definitely more passionate now compared before when I did not have a definite goal set out. I’m loving this feeling and I hope this will see me through until the end.

Hoping Next Week to be:
More awesome than this week was. I am truly looking forward to more exciting and more fulfilling days, weeks and months ahead.

 

I wonder then, what would next week be like? Happy weekend everyone!

Release Your Inhibitions

It’s 2016, finally. The Mayans never expected the world to last this long so I guess getting four more extra years from your ‘supposed’ expiration date is definitely something worth celebrating. For me, I am celebrating this new year for a different reason entirely. First, let’s go back a few weeks from today.

After the gruesome finals that we had last December I did a lot of thinking and re-thinking. The long Christmas/Semester break definitely provided me with that much time to get inside my head. One realization hit me with a bang by the end of last year – I’ll be turning 25 this 2016. For me, 25 is like a debut. Legally, that’s the age when you can validly contract a marriage without your parents permission. Meaning, you are given free reign to decide on very big decisions that will greatly affect your life just like settling down. Also, at 25 the skin begins to age and the body begins to degrade. It’s the age that most dermatologists recommend that people start using anti-aging products and also when nutritionists tell their patients to eat healthier. At 25, metabolism slows down as well. When before you can binge eat without getting those extra fats even without frequent exercise, at 25 you’d notice that you can’t anymore. The need to exercise more frequently also starts at this age. In short, at 25 you’re already a full adult. Meaning, you’re already old. Realizing all this made me re-examine the life that I lived for the past 24 years (as of now). I realized that my life had been static. It was okay and all was well but it was unexciting. I could summarize it all in just seven words: My life was safe but not fulfilling. By the end of the year I came to see that my life for the past 24 years has been a long horizontal line with no spikes. In medical terms, it was a flat line and a flat line only means one thing medically – dead. I was living as if I was dead. That realization was too melodramatic even for me but seriously, that was what I realized by the end of last year. Imagine how I reacted.

When the new year came I thought of ways of how to make my life more exciting. I wanted this year to be a year of total growth for me. I wanted to experience new and exciting things, but what? I looked back again and found that during the course of my 24 years of existence (Beauty queen lang ang peg?) I have collected an array of regrets in my life – many of which are regrets of not doing something and not knowing what might have happened if ever I just acted or responded to those little impulses. In 24 years, I definitely have a lot of What Ifs?. I began listing down those regrets one by one and thought about why I did not respond or act upon these things. I had my answer right in front of me the whole time – I was too afraid to fail.

For many years in my life I have been the model student and also the model daughter. I cannot count the many times my parents have told me that they were proud of me. I had good grades, no issues and no complaints. Many of my parents’ friends have been asking them how they were able to raise a kid like me. (No joke, serious ‘to.) They often say that they were just blessed to have me. (Ah, how sweet.) But because of the pride that my parents have for me I have been too afraid to disappoint them. The many ‘risks’ that I took in life were not real risks at all. None of them were truly indefinite. Most of them were planned. A lot of them even had their own back-up plans in case they fail. They were, in our colloquial term, surebol! And since ALL of these decisions had a certainty to them I ended up not appreciating them at all. I ended up getting bored with them just like I am right now. I have been living in the sureness of everything in my life all because I did not want to do things that I cannot control. If I can’t control them, I grow afraid that I might fail and in the end, I might disappoint the people I hate disappointing the most – my parents. I played it safe. Although playing safe has its merits, doing that for a VERY LONG TIME now definitely took its toll. Life turned out to be boring. It’s not that I am not thankful for all the blessings that I received in life. Unlike most of the people in our country, I am particularly luckier than most. However, I remained just that – lucky. I never was more than that. I lacked growth and the life that I have been blessed with turned out to be ordinary. I actually envy those who have less but are continuously growing. Their lives, though blessed with less, are better lived than mine ever was. I did nothing to make mine grow unlike them who have lived their lives to the fullest everyday. Because of this I finally decided that this year, I would definitely start a change. So for that list I had of all the regrets I have in my life, I will work to check them off the list one by one. I will make sure that by the end of this year, the same regrets would no longer be there or if there are still some that remain, I will make sure that they’re far less than what I have at the beginning of this year. I will also make sure that no other regret add to the list. In short, for this year the inhibition that I have which stemmed from my fear of failure will no longer hinder me from doing the things that I really want to do.

Last year, I finally made a dent in my straight scholastic record. I dropped a subject. Because of that I will be delayed in graduating for at least a year. My parents were not happy. I finally disappointed them and yet I don’t feel that bad at all. There was a reason why I dropped that subject and I believe that it was the most reasonable thing to do at that time. I did not feel horrible because in my mind, I just got delayed. It’s not like I actually got kicked out of school. Life does not end there. And even if I did fail, life still goes on. Like in the words of a popular song: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. My inhibition of disappointing my parents, I finally conquered it. I got free from it and maybe that is the reason why right now, for this year, I am more willing to take the real risks that life could offer me. I am now willing to go through doors even with the uncertainty of what lies ahead. I am more willing to make decisions even though I am not sure f I am ready to make them at all. Yes, planning is still good but if I really feel and believe that an opportunity will take me to greater heights then I would be more willing to take it even though I am not certain whether I will reach that intended goal. For now, I just want to grow and learn more.

All the signs began to show once I finally made that decision. It’s as if something or someone is definitely telling me to move forward. It’s telling me that I should not be contented in the safety of my comfort zone but actually take that leap of faith. Right now, I am starting to take that risk and I have never felt more alive. I feel as if I am in a free fall without the certainty of whether I fall to my death or  if I finally learn how to fly. I am in limbo and yet it feels awesome. At this moment, I have been released from the shackles that have restricted me to take a step forward. I feel better and more alive right now. I have started to check off those regrets from my list, starting off with my regret of never ever attempting to finish a novel despite the many ideas I have already written so far. It’s still a long way ahead but at least now, I am trying and am determined to see this through. I do hope I finish before the semester ends so that I can work on the other regrets that I have. For now, I entrust my life and my future decisions to the one and only power that knows where my life will truly lead me and what my life’s purpose really is. Lord, Kayo na po ang bahala sa akin. I will close my eyes and leap. Do what You will. Amen.

Until Then (Working Synopsis)

Click here for the full story.

Two high school seniors who equally hate each others guts find out one day that each of their families own two important halves of a rare and valuable antique after their school decides to hold a Philippine Antiques showcase for the culmination of their Buwan ng Wika celebration. Both of their families then attempt to claim ownership to both halves of the antique and demand that the other half be returned to them. As the story behind this rare antique begins to unfold, their families’ past also comes to view and a love story that has spanned generations before coming to a conclusion is revealed.

Aldrin Fuguerson, Jr. is the school heartthrob and the smartest, most talented boy in school but no matter what he does his academic prowess always gets defeated by the smartest girl, if not student, in school – Nikko Mendez. Both have their own spheres of influences in their school and both belong to competing, if not violently conflicting, groups. In short, they hate each others guts ever since they first met in kindergarten – or as far as their memories go back, they’ve always been at odds with each other. Always bickering and always competing. This year was their last year in High School and their last chance to defeat the other and leave their High School days with a victorious memory. Their conflict escalates when, for the first time in many years, Aldrin and Nikko gets seated next to each other. This only worsens when Nikko presents a rare and valuable antique with a missing piece for their class to use during their school’s Philippine Antiques showcase for their Buwan ng Wika celebration only to find out eventually that Aldrin had brought the other missing piece of the same antique. In shock, both claim ownership to the said antique ending up in their family coming over to school to settle the dispute. As their families’ ownership to the said item goes back to the same time immemorial Nikko boldly accuses Aldrin’s family of theft of the antique which both upsets and angers Aldrin. Both of them then scramble to piece together the evidence needed to prove their ownership of the item and for Aldrin to disprove Nikko’s accusation. Due to this they discover the truth behind the said antique and the story that goes with it – a love story that has spun generations before the truth is finally revealed.